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Letter of the Month Archives!!! ... real letters culled from the swollen mail sacks of the Smugglers ... October 2000's letter comes to us from Jonny Hirn, bassist of the Michigan punk rock band the Anomalators. Seems ol’ Jonny’s fascination with a certain Canadian celebrity overshadows even the Smugglers love for... MR. ALAN THICKE!! Read on and prepare to be shocked. Grant’s response is below.
Hey Smugglers! My name is Jon and I’m a longtime rock n roll fan from the heart of Michigan. I have always considered the Smugglers one of my favorite all time bands. I don’t own every one of your albums. I don’t know the words to all of your songs. I don’t spray paint your name on the walls of my old High school. However, I love the works by you that I do own, and both times I have seen you in Detroit I went nutso. I’ll get to my point.
Well, for the past few years I have sported a tattoo bearing the likeness of Mr. Thicke Himself. You see, as long as I have wanted a tattoo, I have known that I would get one of Alan Thicke. People always ask me "Why?". And all I can tell them is that if they don’t get it now, they never will. I am in a band right now called the Anomalators. We’ve played shows
throughout Michigan and as well as Wisconsin. The label the we package our
recordings under is "Thicke Recordings" (not to be confused with Fat
Records...) I have always wanted to do a song paying tribute to my beloved
TV icon. Knowing now that you have a song in which the title and the chorus
are both "Alan Thicke" it makes me think twice. I listened to the song. Maybe I couldn’t hear too clearly but to my knowledge the verses of the song do not neccessarily pertain to Alan himself. Again I could be wrong. What I am asking you to do is explain to me the significance of Alan in the song title and chorus. Thus giving me a little more depth into the Smugglers way of thinking. This will help me in planning my contribution to the world of pop music making sure I’m not (whether I intended to or not) ripping off a group I idolize for their pure entertainment skills. Well that’s my piece. Get back to me. Maybe I could send you a photo of the tattoo in question. And come back to the motor city real soon. I havn’t had a good dance in awhile. Thanks for your time. RocknRoll... Jonny Hirn
Dear Jonny,
That brings us, Jonny, to your questions about our song and our relationship with The Thicke. It all started way back when in the mid-eighties when Alan Thicke’s TV family, the Seevers, rivalled only the Keatons for #1 sitcom family in America... starring a Canadian that is. Couldn’t fuck with those motherfuckin Huxtables. "Growing Pains" was a favourite of ours here at Smugglers HQ of Vancouver BC, and we never missed an ep. So much was our lavish dedication to the show, that our guitarist David Carswell, a talented mimic, developed a rather "blue" impersonation of Jason Seever. On our early tours across the Canadian prairies, Jonny, Dave would delight us for hours with a spot-on take of Alan Thicke in a rather... disgusting situation. But more on that later. Pop forward with us a few years, Jonny, to 1992, when the Smugglers were awarded BEST YOUNG BAND IN CANADA by a national television station called Youth TV (YTV). The prize included a pile of cash, plus an appearance on the nationally televised awards show, hosted by... none other than our hero... ALAN THICKE!! Can you imagine, Jonny, the elation in our practice space in those few weeks leading up to the awards? Rock-hard jizzing euphoria would be the only phrase available to aptly capture the mood. Leapfrog up to the night of the awards ceremony, March of 1992, in the National Arts Centre of Canada, Ottawa Ontario, Jonny. We were hanging out with a bunch of the other gifted children picked that year... brave kids, baton twirling kids, acting kids, crippled/retarded kids, etc etc. Suddenly a hush fell over the children, as, Jonny, a presence bigger than all of us was sensed. ALAN THICKE had entered the room to greet us!! The opportunity was now! I jumped out of my seat and shrieked, pointing at Dave, "ALAN, THIS GUY DOES AN IMPRESSION OF YOU!!!" "Oh really?" Alan replied, "let’s hear it then".
After an embarrassed silence, the children broke into a roar of laughter, and the visably disturbed Thicke chuckled nervously and excused himself, never taking his eyes off a sweaty Dave. Alan didn’t appear shaken during the telecast, reading the pre-written jokes off the teleprompter with professional ease. Finally, when we took the stage to play our two song medley of "Pebble Beach" and "Shakedown!", half way through we were shocked to see Alan Thicke pogo out onto the stage and "dance" with us!! Then, Jonny, at the end of the song when I collasped, he ran to me and draped his suit jacket over my crumpled body, James Brown style. We then did a quick, out of breath live interview when I tried to ask him about all the awesome TV theme songs he’s either sang or written ("Facts of Life", "Diff’rent Strokes", "Silver Spoons" etc) but it was kinda all lost in the applause and he just looked confused. As soon as he got off stage it turned out that Alan thought I was trying to INSULT him! He said to the stage manager "that little fucking cunt just tried to take a motherfucking shot at my fat ass on national TV! Fuck him! FUCK HIM!!". We were crushed that Alan skipped the wrap-party after the show. As fate would have it, three months after the awards show the 1992 television season wrapped up and it was announced that "Growing Pains" had been unceremoniously cancelled. We were horrified and limp-dicked. After a succifient mourning period fuelled by booze and drugs, Dave emerged from his basement in the summer of 92 with this song: Alan Thicke (Dave Carswell) Jason, you were the last thing I thought of, when I hit that small child,
was I drunk at the wheel? Or giddy just from thinking of you?
Have grown out of there "Growing Pains", and the world will never be the same, Without you. Alan Thicke. Holy shit, is there no justice in the world that made you the king of this TV Dream? The Nielsens can just go fuck themselves, you’re Canadian you can work up here. Well I don’t give a shit about that bitch Joanna Kerns, she’s got nothing, you carried the show.
Alan Thicke. We love you, Alan Thicke. So as you can see, Jonny, the song is very much about the man Alan Thicke, "Growing Pains", and the loss of a beloved if stupid televison family. Please forgive us for our blatant sexism towards actress Joanna Kerns... we were teenagers when we wrote this. The song first appeared on our third record "In The Hall Of Fame", then a live version on "Growing Up Smuggler", and then New York’s Malibu Lou discovered and put it on his comp "My So-Called Punk Rock Life" on Melted Records, introducing it to a legion of new fans. (By the way, Malibu Lou has a massive cock). Anyhow, Jonny, your tattoo is FUCKING AWESOME. Forget Ben Weasel and his Madonna on one shoulder, Buddy Holly on the other. YOU have a badass Canadian prick on your arm, Jonny, don’t forget it. To add to the Thicke of it, Alan also wrote hockey-rock songs in the 70’s! And it’s very cool that your label is called Thicke Records... do you remember Alan Thicke’s late 70’s talk show "Thicke Of The Night"? That’s the nickname the other Smugglers have given my cock. (Note from the editor: no we haven't.) See you in the front row,
For being awarded "Letter Of The Month", Jonny will receive a copy of our new Italian 7" picture disc.
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friend of mine brought to my attention the "my so- called punk life" comp cd.
And noting the smugglers song "Alan Thicke", I flipped. I am one of the
biggest Alan Thicke fans this side of the rio grande.(You’re one of my
favorite bands because I consider your group to be "entertainers". As well
Mr. Thicke is a legend in the all around world of entertainment.)
HOLY
FUCK!!! We have seen and heard from some demented kids in our time, but
NEVER have we run across one so blantantly on TOP as YOU, Jonny, for having
the BALLS to brand yourself FOREVER with a tattoo likeness of the Ottawa
Valley’s fave son Alan "AJ" Thicke. That is fantastic, Jonny, that you have
taken this leap, and believe me, while we don’t ENVY you, Jonny, we have a
deep respect that an American like yourself would coddle Thicke the way you
have.
Well
Jonny, the kids all gathered ‘round, and Dave took a breath and set up the
scene. "OK, this is your character Jason, walking in on your son Ben fucking
your daughter Carol in the ass, ok? Here goes..." Dave then walked through
an imaginary door, put his hands on his hips and sternly said, in a spot-on
impression of Thicke, "Ben, you’ve got five minutes to pull out!"
