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Letter of the Month Archives!!! ... real letters culled from the swollen mail sacks of the Smugglers ... September 2000's letter came from Rich Howard of Toronto Ontario Canada, with a response from Grant beneath. Rich attended the Smugglers "Rosie" record release party in Toronto, Feb 00, where we attempted to give away an entire pair of Danko Jones' pants. Before we could toss the magic pants into the seething crowd, Danko raged onto the stage, and because of him, the pants were ripped in half, and an all-star jam ensued. Here's the aftermath:
Hey Smugglers! I've got a slight problem: I've become irrestable to women. I've been trying to pinpoint the exact moment when this all began. I've discovered it's a direct result of a (half) pair of "Danko Jones' pants" that you guys chucked into the audience at the Horseshoe, Feb 2000, Toronto. I left the club that night like the pied-piper with several women following me home...  As
you can guess, that night, the pants wound up getting tossed in a heap on my
bedroom floor with mine (and several "guest's") clothes. They were
kicked under my bed and forgotten about until just recently.(Obviously, they
were ripped in half so I couldn't wear them.)
I think they're cursed,like the monkey's paw or something. I mean, I've been getting all-kinds of crazy action ever since. It really never stops. I don't get a moment's rest-- and these women really won't take no for an answer. It's beginning to interfere with my day-to-day functioning. I actually fear for my health. I was thinking of getting rid of them, like on e bay or something (there
must be some kind of "mojo market" out there somewhere). I wonder what
that sort of thing is worth? Maybe to someone in say, the porn industry, or
some rock star who needs a little help getting properly laid. Maybe there's
some rich loser out there who's desperate for some action. It's really hard
to appraise such a thing. My real question was this: When you got rid of Danko Jones pants, did you like go through withdrawl or something? Cause I'm a little nervous. Also, could you help me get rid of these curse-ed pants, like on you're web site or something. Maybe you guys could like give them away in a contest or something. Honestly, i can't get rid of 'em. Come on, a glowing pant-leg that's been touring with the Smugglers for go knows how long and spent the last 7 months performing a sexual miracle under my bed? Who would want such a thing??? They're really gross. Please help. Rich. ps. Tell 'Beez he's my fucking hero!!!
Dear Rich -
Why did we give up the pants? It may sound like a weak excuse, but frankly Rich we were fucked right out and felt it was time to pass the torch. It was then that the pants were inadvertantly ripped by that bastard Danko, and therefore you ended up with half. Can you imagine, Rich, if you ended up with the whole pair? Like the guy from Three Dog Night, your cock would have likely split in half from all the fucking. (Source: "Three Dog Nightmare: The Three Dog Night Story). Speaking of Danko, I recently attended an art show of Canadian porno/feature filmaker Bruce La Bruce's photographs. Pictured were many naked men, including an extremely taunt and very, VERY well hung Danko Jones. His posturing is for real. The guy has a cock like an anacoda. Think now, Rich, when you rub the crotch of those pants up against your face, of Danko Jones' huge cock. Now go out and get some more of that pussy stank. Love forever, Your Smugglers PS. Beez says thanks.
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Grant
from the Smugglers here. First let me tell you that, Rich, it is awesome to
hear that you are having such incredible sexual luck due to Danko Jones'
pants. Now you truly know what it is like to be a Smuggler. Over the four
years we had those pants it was like living within the frames of a Ron
Jeremy porn. Dick print anyone? Why you are complaining about it is kind of
beyond us, Rich... in the words of Danko Jones "hang on to those damn dirty
motherfuckers like you would a two bit motherfuckin five dollar whore".