Stag Party Summer Alberta Tour 2000

Smuggler Nick got married at the end of July 2000, so we thought we’d celebrate his stag Smugglers-style and book a couple of shows in our neighbouring province of Alberta. Besides the stag factor, we hadn’t played Alberta since 1996 (!!) and, if a swollen hairy sack full of email to ol’ gtwelve is any indication, the "Foothill Fans" were getting pissed right off. So we went back, only for two shows but we caught up with all our pals from Calgary and Edmonton and treated Nick to his last wild weekend as a single Smuggler. Here’s what happened:

Fri July 13, Night Gallery, Calgary AB (w/ the Forbidden Dimension)

Calgary was the first town the Smugglers played outside of Vancouver, and we’ve had a love-hate relationship with it ever since. The first several times we played here we didn’t have any records out, so pretty much no one came to the shows and those who did stood, stared and gave us the finger. That spawned our now kinda infamous song in certain circles called "Calgarians Can’t Dance". In Calgary’s defense, they’ve gotten a lot better and since, oh, the mid-nineties they’ve been shaking it pretty good. Calgary’s already chock full of fuckin yahoos and rednecks, but this week was also the city’s yearly Stampede festival, which is some type of city-wide rodeo / dust fair type thing that EVERYONE, including all the bars and restaurants in town, gets involved with. The Night Gallery was no different and tonight, Nick’s stag doubled as the club’s "stampede party". The Night Gallery is a super cool place decked out with all sorts of old velvet paintings and Elvis paraphenalia, and hearing that it was Nick’s stag, they went out of their way to book several "burlesque" strippers to get down and dirty for Nick. The dancin’ ladies were extremely hot, and had sexy stage names like "Cherry Bomb", "Nurse Cunt" and some European type tag... "Anita Douche" or something like that. We even got to hang out backstage with them while they were completely naked! What fantastic breasts and vaginas these ladies had! Let’s rock!

After the strippers stripped, the Forbidden Dimesion stormed the stage and rocked the hard cock and wet snatch in the crowd very hard. The Forbidden Dimension feature one of my all time Canadian rock heroes, Tom "Jackson Phibes" Bagley (the lead genius in Colour Me Psycho before Forbidden Dimension and artist of many a classic Smugglers gig poster). Tonight we debuted our new "two-tone" look (that we also wear in our new "Rosie" video) which I won’t describe, you’ll just have to see it for yourself. We may tweak it a bit so we don’t look... totally stupid. The strippers came back out mid-set and danced with Nick again, and then stuck around to judge the dance contest. We threw a kissing contest tonight with Nick as the prize and he got a cute little blonde’s tongue in his mouth for about five minutes; long and hot! Tom Bagley joined us on guitar for "Kings Of The Party" which was incredible, a dream come true, and lots of other Calgary pals came out to rock out, from Huevos Rancheros, the Von Zippers and Chixdiggit. Chixdiggit was so thrilled that it was Nick’s stag that Chix lead singer KJ offered to throw a party at his newly-bought miniature condo. The people who actually ended up at his party were a motley crue of German tourists, a Royal Grand Prix, a Nomeansno and a foul-mouthed Australian. We all gathered ‘round Nick and watched him drink and yell until everyone eventually passed out in a haze, face down and puking, throughout KJ’s tiny new "apartment".

Saturday July 14, New City Liquid Lounge, Edmonton AB (w/ the Brewtals)

Nick, KJ and I all woke up in KJ’s bedroom, spread eagle and naked, our clothes strewn about the room. Bleary-eyed and embarrassed, well hung ‘n’ crusty, we silently gathered up our soiled clothing, showered, then met up with the other guys for "Stampede Breakfast". Our friend Carolyn Mark and her bandmates were playing an afternoon show at a bar, so while Dave and Beez went to check out her action, Mike and KJ from Chixdiggit convinced Graham, Nick and I to "take a float" down the lazy Elbow River that snakes its way through the city. We were hesitant at first, but caved in to the Chix’ unrelenting pressure. First we spent half an hour blowing up little rubber rafts, then scrambled down the river bank, stripped down, climbed aboard and away we drifted. Chixdiggit were right as usual: floating down a babbling brook with babbling pals under the hot Albertan sun really is the ultimate thing to do while in Calgary. We could only pity Dave and Beez for choosing to spend the afternoon in a gross bar. We finally climbed out of the river, miles from where we started, towelled each other off and said a fond farewell to Chixdiggit. Get their new album "From Scene To Shining Scene" now!

We were actually excited to get back to Edmonton, the city of champions, and even though the poster for the show said "Smuggler DAN’s Stag Weekend", Nick didn’t care, especially since the bar provided him with a constant flow of celebratory champagne bottles. He was drunk and stoked, and so we were, and we had a very fun show. Again we saw lots of pals, including Edmontonians like Jerry Jerry and Ford Pier, and other original Smugglers fans like Victoria kids Jon Murphy and Kelly "Hi-jack" Kijak! Nick was living it up so much that he debuted some new stage stunts tonight, like doing a flying summersault/flip across the stage while wearing his guitar! (The idea for which he picked up when he saw Flea do something similiar during a Red Hot Chili Peppers "Inside The Music"). Don’t tell where he got em from, but wait’ll you see these moves!

Trivia fans dig this: we debuted the now world-famous Smugglers International Dance Contest right here in Edmonton four years ago, which, as many of you are fully aware from our contast boasting, has since blossomed into a planet-wide and extremely tight-knit fraternity of winners. The original winner was even at the show tonight! He hasn’t moved on and become a fan of goth/alt.country/emo/soulDecision/rave culture!! He’s still hanging in! The winner tonight was a four eyed fuck like Beez (and Grant, Dave and Graham) named "Buzzy", and the kissing contest winner was a tad overwhelmed by Nick’s Kaa-like tongue.

The night was capped off at the after-party when Dave lay on his back and phsyically showed us how he once lost one of his balls for a frightening few hours after he mistakenly nudged it up into his stomach area.

Sunday July 15, go home

Spent a nice sunny Sunday driving home through the yellow plains of Alberta while fighting about "Survivor". Graham thinks it’s fake. Oh my god. Special thanks to Craig and Colleen in Calgary, and Brent Oliver in Edmonton for putting on the shows, the Albertan fans for waiting four years to see us, and the boys in Chixdiggit for always showing us a good time and getting us laughing.

See you in the front row,

Love

Your Smugglers