The Smugglers play the University Of Victoria Grad ’04

“It’s A Jungle Out There” Fuckfest

April 3, 2004

Hey! The Uvic graduation class of 2004 needs five bonafide Kings of the Party to ignite their graduation dance… so who they gonna call? Yes, all are correct, they dingle-berried your Smugglers and we were more than happy to oblige.

Upon driving up to the University grounds, we immediately noticed a plethora of cute little bunnies hopping to and fro, mounting each other with rampant sexual delight in the warm spring evening. Little did we know how prophetic those little fuck-bunnies would be.

At the venue, we were informed that the promoters had already managed to pre-sell over 1,000 tickets for this massive booze-bash and were expecting at least another 1,000 walk ups. The event was planned so that the entire student union building was taken over, using the concert halls, pubs, dance club, mid-sized rooms and hallways for the party. In each room was a different form of entertainment… burlesque dancers, DJs, flame jugglers, wine and cheese parties, Capoeira dancers, hip hop crews, and then us Smugglers in the big ballroom.

As soon as the place filled up with the grads we realized that this was a “semi-formal” event as all the chicks were dolled up and stuffed into slutty little dresses, though the guys made much less of an effort, most looking like quaffed Gap catalogue models. In perfect John Hughes-esque tradition there was of course the odd Goth with a black top hat and trenchcoat here and there, a couple of punks, a handful of complete dorks and one or two heshers. The one thing that everyone seemed to have in common is that they were all outrageously horny and were making plenty of boners about it.

Sure enough, as we stood in the main hallway surveying the action, Smuggler Nick got the fuck-me stare from no less than half a dozen buzzed babes, with one in particular doing two or three blatantly obvious “stare-bys”.

When it was time to play, I was all ready to go, standing on the huge stage all by myself waiting for the rest of the band to make it from the backstage. As I stood up there under the bright lights I said into the mic a few times “any Smugglers out there?” to which a faceless drunken frat boy shouted back “FUCK YOU!!” Unaffected by such a weak taunt, I replied with “No sir. Fuck you. RIGHT UP THE CORNHOLE”. This comment was followed by a total, somewhat shocked silence throughout the room. Seems that we were off to a great start, but at this point we still had no idea where Dave was.

Our backstage area was down a long service hallway and like most of the place, had various student security volunteers watching doorways and hallways and such. The skate-punk dude stationed outside our door was evidently just as horny as the rest, because as Dave emerged from our dressing room for our show, he stumbled across our mohawked security guy sitting on a milk crate, back against the wall, baggy pants around his ankles, with a half naked horny honey wildly pumping up and down on his rock hard cock!!! Stunned, Dave took a quick look, memorized the moment and embarrassing pushed by for the stage.

The show turned out to be a lot of fun as most of the kids, whether up on ecstasy or just booze or just grad or what were into having a great time and were yes, still very sexed-up. We made lots of suggestions that this HAD to be the night where you approached that kid you’ve had a crush on for the last four years for a good fucking tonight because you’ll never see em again! Soon half the front row was making out with each other, explosively dirty dancing.

At one point we noticed a sexy punk girl in the front row with an elaborate cobra tattoo snaked around her leg. Before she knew it we had her up on stage talking about the tattoo which prompted me to say “OK GRADS – CAN ANYONE OUT THERE TOP THIS TATTOO?? ANYBODY?? ANYBODY??” Soon a hand shot up and a particularly gorgeous brunette pushed her way up onto the stage, and after a few quick pleasantries she shocked the hell out of us by WHIPPING OFF HER TOP to 2,000 already jizzing grad students, exposing her naked, perky, perfectly poised breasts that were indeed endowed with one hell of an outrageous tit tattoo. She won. As she bounded the stage and back into the jaws-agape audience, Beez tapped me on the shoulder and said “the tattoo thing is now a permanent fixture of the show”.

Cheers: to the girl who showed her tits.

Jeers: to the guy who requested “Johnny B. Goode”

Once we finished the gig and wished everyone a great fuck, a couple of us were walking down the back hall way to go get paid, discussing the sexual fervour of the night, when lo and behold JUST outside the promoter’s office was a blond surfer dude furiously fucking a shrieking female up against the hallway wall!! His jeans were around his ankles showcasing a taunt butt that her two long brown legs were wrapped around. She was wearing a very short miniskirt that he was pumping right up and under. He had pulled one of her petite but firm breasts out of her tight tank top and was massaging the loonie sized nipple with his tongue. As soon as the girl saw us she jumped off his erect perch and bolted out the side exit into the night, leaving the guy standing there, momentarily facing us with a glistening wet, really enormous hard cock. Totally outrageous!!  

When discussing all the different stories of the night with the promoter, he said “oh listen honey, the kids are screwing each other everywhere – on the balcony, on the grass, in the bathroom, in the parking lot, you name it. We try to stop it but what can you do?” I said “man, it seems like just about everyone here but us Smugglers is having sex with someone tonight” and, referring to the promoter I said “so have you done the bang-bang lulu tonight or what?” to which he bluntly replied “oh listen honey, I just had sex last Tuesday for the first time in five years and that was to a prison guard who won’t let me kiss him on the mouth because he says it’s too fuckin’ queer, but no, no sex for me tonight. Not yet anyway”.

Finally, once all was said and done, we managed to load out our gear through the melee after-party in the parking lot, dodging flying bottles, fists, safety shuttle busses and security guards, only to find our roadie DJ Ska-T back at the car desperately trying to load three already loaded, staggering groupies into the back seat all for himself. Turns out they were so wasted they could barely stand up.

“That’s ok! You can lie down! In the backseat! Do you mind if I lie on top though? Pretend I’m a bear skin rug!”

“But I think I’m gonna puke”.

“That’s cool! I’m used to it!”

Memo to the University of Victoria: The Smugglers are available to play any event of any size from now until the University is eventually shutdown due to a massive syphilis outbreak. In other words we’ll make sure Ska-T wears a condom next time.

Thanks for the good times!

See your perky tits and hard dicks in the front row NEXT YEAR, right??

Love

Your Smugglers